tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work