Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing