There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
