The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
