I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
