I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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