i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
