If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
