Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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