I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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