i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
