so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
