OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
