woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
