overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
