i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
