I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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