come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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