Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize