we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
