You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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