They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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