So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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