were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
