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Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
