My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Randomize
