you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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