He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
