I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
