four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
