Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
