Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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