my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want a musical about memes.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
