I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
