In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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