If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
