I faked an abortion last night.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
