he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
