you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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