my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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