He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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