Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
