What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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