I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
