i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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