Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
