If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
where are my eyebrows?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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