i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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