yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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