he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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