I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
