Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
