I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
