Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
