I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
