Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
