my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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