did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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