I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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