Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
