I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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